To my dearest friend
Awake under your duvet
One foot out, now in
Hot, cold, thirsty. Anxious.
Maybe the man beside you?

Your baby’s fifth birthday
Around the corner, it marks
the year your marriage
Changed. You were vulnerable
and he went in for the kill

Postpartum blues? He
Painted them navy. Your soft
Underbelly: cut
Still healing, he harmed elsewhere
No sutures for the heart wound

You do what you do
Pivot. Game plan. Level up.
Find community
What if his threats do come true?
You’re hyper vigilant now

Feet scarred from eggshells
A new, raw wound atop old
Forgive when it stops
Assure us it’s better now
You are surely bitter now 

You can’t forgive him
now, for what he’ll do next time
Next times keep coming
Relentless. You’re exhausted.
Fight, flight, freeze, fawn. & repeat.

What did those vows say?
When diamond-studded shackles
Slipped on your finger
Hurried, unconsidered vows
He promised to love and care

Couldn’t have foreseen
The person he would become
No catch when you fall
Instead, kicks each time you’re down
Partner? No.     Opposition.

It’s your fault, always
Therapists, plural. Meds. More.
What to do when the 
shit hits the fan? The drywall?
The wall hangings? The T.V.?

Abandonment threats
Ceased only when the bluff called
Now harsh words like swords
apply more pressure. Deeper.
Cut through the dense scar tissue

Your friends, peers, strangers
See smiling, strong, brave, beast mode
At home, different story
His chic decorated walls
Smother authenticity

When you told us, them
Same question: has he hit you?
Easier to leave
Instead it isn’t simple 
It’s insidious abuse

Finally, someone
States the obvious: leave him.
Permission, granted.
Divorce should be appealing
But it’s not what you wanted

Divorce yourself from
Attachment, the root of all
suffering. You are
suffering. Half a decade. 
How many more restless nights?