When I declared 2023 “The Year of Consistency,” I didn’t foresee how necessary that notion would be. My intention was to build on consistent habits and create more that would increase efficiency in other aspects of my life. My mornings were already magical, and I had gone on to master them. Could I replicate that after the kids were off to school, or after they were at home with me, or in the evenings leading up to bedtime? I wanted to be consistently building upon the work of the days prior, rather than manically throwing myself into a project.

Kindergarten

I didn’t think about how many changes would pervade 2023. I was well aware that my youngest child transitioning to kindergarten would make a big difference in the amount of time I had to complete tasks and focus on things outside of the demands of a young child. I didn’t connect to the fact that how we spend our time creates our lives, and that what we repeatedly do becomes integral to our identity. I was thinking of the gains in opportunity without considering that I was ending a phase in my life that I absolutely savored: every carefully curated bento box lunch, every run and jump hug at noon pick up, weekdays we’d spend at the aquarium, hiking, the playground, the library. So many precious moments I’ll never have again.

Work

I did try and prepare for my increase in personal time–too far in advance, as that freedom had not yet been acquired–by getting hired as a trainer at my now-previous gym. That definitely didn’t go as planned– a “fun” part-time gig consisted of incessant chatter from a group chat (work related? Train of thought? Couldn’t know what to expect, other than a string of 50 or so messages on any given day.), petty passive-aggressive girl drama, expectations to work outside of paid hours a-LOT, and when I brought it to the attention of other trainers, was likely a part of a plot for management to fire me without a fuss. Toward the end of the ordeal, I was so mentally sick from the shitshow that a viral infection that went through my kids one week sent me to the hospital for an overnight stay in the cardiac ward the following.

What a doozy.

Marriage

Full honesty, one of my main drivers for pursuing work as a personal trainer was a means for a “back up” plan. My marriage had been in trouble for too damn long and I was perpetually worried I’d find myself without anything to fall back on if it all blew up in my face. What ended up blowing up in my face was the chicks who own and manage the gym were no easier to work with, and paid me far less, haha!

Looking back, it may have benefitted my marriage that I struggled with something disconnected from it. My guy is really good at work, he’s been managing people and their emotions in that setting for a long time. The clear delineation of roles and task responsibilities in an organization give a sense of order, next steps, and a clear hierarchy regarding who has the final say. Family life isn’t like that, and when I had a problem related to the kids, home, scheduling, or my illness, he would want to rescue me from it or be exhausted at the idea of feeling like he needed to rescue me from it–the latter of which would show up as lack of empathy, the former still not what I was wanting.

Dealing with office politics without an office and without a proper paycheck, we were able to relate to each other in a new way, not as rescuer and one who needed rescue, but as equals determining what was helping or harming our family.

Parenting

Let’s put it like this: when your child is a teen, this is not the time to be distracted. They can take you on a rollercoaster while you’re at home on the couch and they’re across town at the fair.

Fitness

With the end of my short-lived personal training career, I still stayed at that gym I once loved…but that manager took over the timeslot I regularly attended. She made patronizing faces at me, wouldn’t celebrate my milestones, and–if we’re being frank–didn’t have what it took to motivate me, even if she wasn’t mean spirited. Could I have avoided her envy if I caught it before it festered and she treated me as she did? I don’t even know anymore. Maybe envy is an inevitable cost you pay when you commit yourself to greatness. Am I great? Not quite, but the commitment in itself can be an enviable offense.

What I know is that I moved on, and I moved up to a higher quality fitness product. I know that I’m stronger and I’m able to make accommodations for my illness when I have a flare up, and that I have a lot more scheduling freedom, opportunities to learn, fitness equipment and mentors available in a relaxing, spa-like atmosphere. My new gym is my happy place, but it was still part of a series of changes over the last year.

Community

The hardest part of leaving my old gym was leaving behind my community of four years, five days a week. What made it easier was seeing behind the curtain–that the leaders weren’t the kind, accepting, loving folks they portrayed themselves as. I learned through training videos that the “community” was a built-in aspect of the franchise, and who I thought these people were morphed quickly in their gossip-laden group text. Blegh!

I found community in my new gym, sure. I continued with my ongoing valuable friendships and pursued new ones. But more notably, I found new communities through my interest in art and desire to share vulnerable stories in a group setting. It’s great to feel a sense of community for many facets of who I am.

This One’s Gonna be a Two-Parter

Check out my next post for ways that 2023 did end up being a year of consistency, despite all of the changes that abounded–and less talk about that silly-ol’ gym situation. I’ve been more vague about it in the past, but it was the impetus for much change. My narrative about inconsistencies in the past year would read like Swiss cheese if I hadn’t just told ya like it was.