Gossip makes me uncomfortable. I’ve left groups because of it before, and again recently.

When I was growing up, I came across this quote and it really stuck with me.

I don’t want to be a small mind. I want to talk ideas.

If they’ll gossip to you, they’ll gossip about you

This is another phrase I heard growing up. When you chime in with someone bad-mouthing a mutual friend, you’re saying that it’s appropriate behavior to discuss others’ shortcomings when they’re out of earshot. If they speak poorly of them, why wouldn’t they do the same to you?

Creating a group culture that includes gossip

Once someone crosses the boundary of speaking poorly of a member of a shared group, it causes others to do the same who otherwise wouldn’t have. I know of this first hand.

A couple of years ago, I broke my no gossip rule when a then-friend was being blatantly classist about her nanny. She shared that her child was having behavioral problems that both she and her husband were struggling to cope with, but she expected a higher standard of care from the nanny: “I’m paying her. When she shows up, she should be all sunshine and rainbows. No matter what.” The money she was exchanging with the care worker, a negligible amount to her family, was supposed to be a super-serum of sorts for maltreatment, I suppose.

I was wrong for my attempt to text a friend about the behavior I deemed out of line… and accidentally sending the comment to the group chat. But what I didn’t mention at the time of that linked post was that days before, another woman in the group had confided in me racist microaggressions from this same offender. Looking back, I felt on high alert because of the gossip that had been shared with me and the door had been opened for more of the same. Gossip is contagious.

Why do people gossip?

I used to think that there was only one reason to gossip, and it was rooted in the quote I opened up with: small mindedness. However, I recently read Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg and it shared a lot of insight to conversations that I hadn’t considered before. Namely, that when people speak to one another, conversations can be boiled down to three different mindsets: decision making (“What’s this really about?”), social identity (“Who are we?”), and emotional (“How am I feeling?”).

Social Identity

I think about identity a lot. That sounds a bit self-obsessed, but it’s strategic in living an intentional life. I discuss this further in the identity section of my project binder post.

When I think of identity, it’s personal identity I’m pondering. Duhigg’s book introduced me to the concept of social identity.

Our social identities emerge from a blend of influences: The pride or defensiveness we feel based on the friends we’ve chosen, the schools we’ve attended, the workplaces we’ve joined. It’s the obligations we feel because of our family legacies, how we grew up, or where we worship.

Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators

Personal identity is about how we see ourselves as separate from others, while social identity defines how we see ourselves in relation to groups of other people.

The “Who are we?” Conversation

When you’re in a conversation with a social identity mindset, you’re trying to find commonalities between you and the other person and create a sense of belonging. Examples include affiliation, social linkages, and yep–gossip.

New Perspective of an Individual

Upon learning this, I thought of a woman whose behavior irked me. When someone was telling an anecdote, she would constantly pry into who the person in the story was, distract from the point of the story to find out if she knew them. She was always gossiping, and once a close friend began hanging out with her regularly, that friend was doing the same.

I realize now that social linkages and gossip were often what she brought to a conversation because she was insecure in her own identity. She couldn’t focus on a story without assuring herself that she knew the person being referenced because she was asserting that she was valuable and known in the community.

New Perspective on a Group

This also brought to mind a group I was a part of where gossip suddenly became center stage. I noticed that when we’d gather, a specific woman kept being brought up. Why? This woman wasn’t directly involved with any of them anymore. She certainly wasn’t speaking of them. Why waste the time?

Learning about social identity made me realize that the woman that was being spoken about was a contact we all had in common from the space where we all met. Speaking about her–she who is not in the group–was a way to delineate “who we are.”

Gossip’s Role

Gossip serves a purpose: determining who we are as a group. What commonalities do we have that cause us to gather?

When social groups are not built around a specific goal, hobby, or purpose, it can get murky. What do we have in common? Where are we the same, and what behavior do we agree with?

Gossip tells us who we are.

Is gossip always bad?

Gossip is storytelling. It creates connection, it is an opportunity to give an anecdotal perspective when someone makes a declaration. Storytelling is how we learn, how we connect ideas.

Gossip sets a standard for behavior. When one is shamed in conversation, listeners take note: that’s not acceptable according to this group. It’s a bit like when a child was being “bullied” for picking his nose all through kindergarten. In theory, all kids should be all nice all the time. But they were simply trying to make clear what was accepted in the group and what was not!

Gossip helps you understand people’s intentions. Generally, someone is putting their best foot forward in dealing with each individual they’re in contact with. They’ve only got so many feet, yet what they think is okay will vary from one person to the next. Sharing information with others so they can be aware of behaviors you might not have seen first hand is valuable. Imagine if no one knew about Chris Brown, as he’s mentioned in the video above? Gossip keeps people safe.

Gossip initiates connection. When you share information with someone that isn’t well known, it makes them feel special that you’re divulging to them, and they get to be the one more privy than others. It feels like a privilege, a gift.

When you talk about others

Don’t use names or identifying characteristics. Unless you’re using gossip as a means of warning someone of potential harm, it should be a tool for storytelling. Speaking about the person’s actions without naming them has equal opportunity to set standards for behavior, build communication, and tell a great story. Bringing their name into it is generally for the sake of causing harm. Perhaps bringing the same name up repeatedly is a sign that you otherwise don’t have enough in common with the group for conversation to flow anywhere but downhill?

What if I want to set a standard for behavior?

Discuss it with the individual who made the foul, obviously! There’s no need to gossip about members of a group behind their backs. Not even gossip about who’s gossiping. If you find yourself being patient zero for gossip: evaluate.

• What’s going on in your life that you’re trying to distract from by pointing out a friend’s flaws?
• If you can’t talk to this friend about their behavior, is it really that bad?
• …or is it that you aren’t close enough to address it?
• Do they respond so poorly to feedback that the idea exhausts you?
• Is this a dealbreaker?

Sometimes its hard to face that a conflict of interests comes out of left field. Sometimes gossiping about a friend is the first sign that it’s the beginning of the end of a friendship that was supposed to last a season, not a lifetime.

Gossip Culture

If you’ve tried veering the subject away from gossip and more frequently wait for it to pass in a group, gossip has become a part of the culture. The members have decided: this is who we are.

If this is not who you are, step back. Nurture individual relationships with those who inhabit the group. Decide who we are with them, one on one.