Do you have a quote you live your life by or think of often?

This isn’t really a quote, as it can’t be attributed directly to someone else. It’s more of an idea.

In 2020, I was pushed to the edge by the pandemic, no-contact for a year with my mother, and grappling with marriage struggles. I stopped trying to heal my mental health on my own through journaling + books and started seeing my therapist semiweekly. By 2021, I was using apps to heal soul wounds between sessions and my social media algorithm was flooded with mental health messaging.

It was then, through these memes on social media, that I was introduced to the idea of “reparenting yourself.”

Why Would I Need to Reparent Myself?

Abandonment, neglect, sexual abuse, childhood cancer, the struggles that make us who we are are overwhelming as we experience them. We can think of nothing else as our world blows up in our face.

But as we wipe off the dust that remains, we may see others who were sheltered throughout the storm. It is then that we can see how we could have received the same protection. It’s natural to feel angry at what should have happened, how things should have been. Let those feelings pour over you, bask in it.

But, there comes a time when you have to take responsibility for who you are, right here and now. Sure, you may have a foundational reason for the self-work that’s been assigned to you. But you have to do the work. You can’t let your reasoning be your excuse.

What is This Inner Child Nonsense?

It’s Easy to Love My Kids

My kids feel safe and loved. They’re provided for, considerate of other people, advocates for themselves, and able to pursue their passions, not what others demand of them. Our home is full of laughter. We always say sorry when we get it wrong. I go big for holidays and celebrations. When they have an interest or an idea, I help them go all in.

Those are objective observations. The subjective observation one could boil that down to is that I’m a good mom. I don’t question my competency or qualifications as a mother anymore.

I love loving them. Could I do the same for myself?

What Reparenting Yourself Looks Like

I’d heard the whole “can’t pour from a empty cup” thing a’plenty. Hobby Lobby wall plaque soundbites like these get so overused that the message gets watered down. Frankly, I didn’t buy it. I thought self-care was keeping my house clean. It is, but it can’t be limited to that.

Reparenting yourself is attacking something from all angles, as if your inner child wound is an inflammatory disease that requires quelling.

It’s about being gentle when you make mistakes. Your toddler was so helpful to pick up that fresh dozen of eggs from the grocery bag to bring over to the refrigerator. Would you berate the child if it slipped out of his small fingers? Or would the silliness, the Bambi-like stumbling of it all, pull at your heartstrings and wash a smile over your face?

Can you have that same reaction when you inevitably stumble?

It’s about giving yourself permission to do the things you always wanted to do.

It’s crossing your arms, placing your hands on opposite shoulders, and giving yourself the hug you need. Buying yourself the gifts and balloons for your birthday, and telling your kids to wrap them.

What’s the Point?

Healing the Wound, Filling the Void

When you treat yourself real good, when you love yourself like your mother should have, like your father should have, like you wish your romantic partner would, you can fill the void. I know I want to be good to me like Gayle is good to Oprah.

Agency

You’re not a child anymore. You didn’t deserve what happened to you in your past but you have control over your future.

Boundaries

Once you learn how to treat yourself, you won’t settle for the crumbs of affection that once sustained you. You will learn how you want to be treated and you can teach others. Then, watch as you won’t put up with a toxic job. Watch as your marriage transforms.

Everyone Reaps the Benefits

Love has a domino effect. When you are loved, you love better. You get more of what you want in return. This is the truest thing I know. Love multiplies and pays back.

Domino Effect & Ending the Cycle

Ways that you heal benefit your predecessors. Each time you take care of yourself, you are preventing wounds in your lineage. It’s epigenetics.

Mothers, Don’t Forget Your Other Child

Your other child is your inner child, the one just as deserving of love. Even if you grew up with a perfectly functional family without complaints, you still deserve for your inner monologue to be kind, loving and patient. You still deserve to feel good. Life should be full of pleasures, both simple and robust.

Motherhood isn’t martyrdom. Our cultural acceptance of this notion needs to die. We deserve to feel good.

I leave you with a quote I rediscovered earlier this week as I perused my archives, from when I saw Gloria Steinem IN PERSON.

“As women, we need to reverse the golden rule, and treat ourselves how we would treat someone else. Massages are nice. So is sex.”

Gloria Steinem, 2017