Write about a time when you didn’t take action but wish you had. What would you do differently?

I wish I would have responded to friends who reached out.

This prompt required me to take a moment of pause. I’m good at responding to big moments with action and speaking up in the moment. I discourage gossip and envy. I call out classism, though not always in a tactful way.

I’m opinionated and I seek justice in ways I can. But you know what I don’t do?

I don’t text.

I don’t text people when I think of them because I know they’ll respond later when my mind isn’t on my phone or my social battery is depleted. Then their text turns into another task on a to-do list. A non-time-dependent task, for someone with adhd, might as well disappear into the ether.

Texting is a zero-sum game

People text because they’re looking for a semblance of connection. They have a passing thought, and they decide they want to share said thought with another person. To feel seen, to laugh at an observation, for validation.

But, words on a screen are hollow.

When you seek social interaction, many people are discovering that social media like Instagram is a weak substitute, because it lacks the mirroring we crave from a social exchange. Texting, though more personal, is similar in that you’re not satiating the social hunger. It’s like when you’re craving a food you’ve deemed “bad”, but you eat something else. And something else and something else. You end up overindulging anyway, but never enjoying it the way you would have if you just savored the real thing.

Texting is confusing

We’ve evolved alongside spoken communication as we’ve used it over the last 150,000+ years. There is so much nuance involved with inflection of tone, volume, and cadence, aside from body language cues if spoken face to face.

We’ve also been using written word that evolved into letter writing for over 3,400 years. There’s nuance in this form of communication as well—we can notice in handwriting whether the writer was frantic or relaxed, a writer takes better care to fully express their thought with care in a handwritten note.

Not so with text

Most texts are often incomplete, passing thoughts. They lack thoughtful consideration.

Writing is meaningful to me, so though texts are generally sent without second thought, I obsess over each word and all punctuation to make sure my response is clear and understood. I put in disproportionate effort to compose a thoughtful answer, yet a recipient won’t necessarily read it thoroughly enough to grasp the information. Like: let me screenshot what I just sent you so I can answer your follow-up question.

Not a good use of my time.

Don’t text me, “How are you?”

This thoughtful, considerate gesture annoys me to no end, though I know it is done with the best of intentions. The person is checking in, which is kind, but there’s no right way to respond that will be mutually beneficial.

You see, the texter will feel better, because they were a good enough friend to ask. But I’ll feel worse. Either I can lie and keep it brief or I can explain and receive no mirroring, only hollow words.

My preferences:

Don’t:

• email
• text
• reach out via various messenger apps

Do: call, preferably FaceTime. No text ahead of time, no scheduling. Call me and if I don’t answer, I can call you back. Pretend like it’s the 90’s.

Letters are cool, too.

Once I started listening to my body, I heard how taxing texting was for me and that I received little in return. I didn’t feel closer or more connected to my texting partner, but I did expend a lot of effort.

What would I do differently?

These days, I make it pretty clear to people when we exchange phone numbers that I’m not “a texter.” I answer messages quickly when they’re used to make plans for an in-person interaction or a collaborative task. Other than that, it’s too overwhelming for me.

Before I realized that texting isn’t something I should participate in, I left a lot of people unread in my inbox. A lot. I worry that Jenn, Jennifer, Kyle, Ky, Ashley, Amanda, Valerie, Amber, Molly, Alex, Kristina, Julie…the list goes on and on…think that I don’t think they’re important. I think of them often, but I can’t stand the idea of responding to a text message that will result in another I have to answer.

Something I would (and still can) do differently is reach out to them and explain the situation: it’s not you, it’s me. And I’d love to catch up with a call asap.