Several years ago, new to Connecticut, I spoke about my crippling social anxiety. Those who encounter me now would be astonished to learn this. I’m the one chatting up anyone and everyone in line at the grocery store. The one with the best energy, giving compliments left and right, making someone’s day with a quick exchange.

What changed? I belonged somewhere.

Community Changes Everything

My old gym had kindness and acceptance built in to their business model. I quickly became addicted to the culture of women supporting women in a space where a good attitude was a requisite. It became a regular part of my routine, then my identity.

That sense of belonging seeped in to other aspects of my life. I was less afraid of fitting in with other groups of people because there was already a place where I was accepted. I was able to bring more authenticity to my interactions with that in the back of my mind.

People liked my authentic self, in and out of that space. I gained confidence. There were other communities where my strengths began to shine through. I became valuable in the groups in which I was a member because of the competence I exuded.

Social Anxiety is an Evolutionary Trait

Not belonging to a group was a life or death situation back when we were tribal creatures. You could not relish in the spoils of the latest hunt or gathering if you were not accepted into the community. You would not receive the support of the group to protect you from an animal or opposing tribe attack. Relying on others was a survival technique.

We still have those same intrinsic feelings. No one will die if they’re not invited to an event, but it still lights up our brains the same way.

When we aren’t involved in a community, we see danger in other people. They are the oppositional tribe that you don’t belong to and there’s not a tribe to back you up if they attack.

You’re at the bottom of the social hierarchy. You’ll be the first to go.

Other Factors

There are other factors that contributed to my anxiety. I haven’t drank coffee in years because I noticed it elevated my heart rate in such a way that simulated anxiety. Back then, I was drinking cold brew on the daily.

Orange juice spikes my blood sugar too quickly, making my heart race. I don’t get epinephrine at the dentist. A racing heart outside of fitness can signal to my mind that I should feel scared or excited. I slow my breath when I begin to feel that sensation.

Most importantly, I stay off of social media. When I was at peak anxiety, I was spending hours on instagram a day. Expending your social battery digitally is dangerous because it lacks mirroring. Imagine a comedian standing in front of a live audience that never laughed aloud, nor showed a semblance of facial expression nor body language, then had to wait a five minute lag for text bubbles of reassurance as they continued on. That seems tortuous! And that’s what we do to ourselves when our interactions are all done via megaphone and all of our responses are in silence.

After opting out of that, I was able to:

Go All in on Local Community

What do you do to be involved in the community?

When you hear “involved in the community,” the mind often drifts directly to volunteer opportunities for events, donations for a cause, or organizer leadership roles.

I had a leadership role in a local online recycling group for five years before life turned to chaos for a while. I served in that capacity, but I feel like what I offer my local community now has more value. I make people feel seen. Those anxious times were hard because I felt so alone no matter where I was. The more crowded the space, the more alone I felt. I don’t want anyone to feel ostracized that way, so I find any and every excuse to have a quick, brief exchange with others.

I believe our society is socially starved, conversationally starved. I think a lot of people, especially those in service positions, feel invisible and/or replaceable by machines. I shine light on others.

Other micro community involvement tasks

• frequenting the same businesses, to build familiarity then relationships
• greeting everyone
• looking people in the eye when they speak
• asking people a lot of questions about themselves
• asking for favors –people love to help, and it creates a quick bond.