How do you unwind after a demanding day?

I used to let my mental health spiral out of control. I’d be overwhelmed, overworked, and drowning, but I’d keep tending to the needs of my children, husband, home and community instead of reaching for a life preserver. I thought I was being good. I thought that selfless equates to good.

The most “rest” I gave myself back then was scrolling through Instagram or some other form of social media that left me feeling more stressed out than I was before.

Then I got sick. The body keeps the score: my mental anguish manifested into a physical ailment, a chronic pain condition that I’ll continue to live with.

With endometriosis, I face excruciating pain on a regular basis. I was desperate to find ways to make myself feel better.

The Pain is all in your Head

But not in the invalidating way. In the literal, this-is-how-pain-pathways-work kind of way.

Stress and mental anguish cause inflammation in the brain that increases the experience of pain, as do other psychological factors. Pain is complex.

So, now when I’ve had a demanding day and I feel myself on the edge of burnout, I turn to the Cleansing Ritual.

The Cleansing Ritual

I wrote a poem about my cleansing ritual last year. Simply, It’s a hot bath.

Also included:

• Dimmed lights
• Candles lit
• Two 30 oz Yeti cups of water
• A single Belgian chocolate truffle from BE Chocolat
• Journal, to take notes as needed
• The Playlist

The Playlist Makes the Ritual

Each song cues up intentional thought toward going inward, loving myself and what I want to consider as I bask in the moment of warm, wet, quiet indulgence. They’re played in a specific order, and I settle in and my thoughts are provoked in the direction of the cues. I feel my feelings, my body relaxes, and by a certain song, I begin to sing. Out of joy.

Song: Chronic Sunshine by Cosmo Pyke

Cues:

Because I've had enough of all this controversy
I've been affected and I can't lie
That shit quite frankly bothers me

Thoughts this provokes: acknowledging my feelings

This song is chock-full of various cues but I’ll limit myself to the one.

Cry Baby-The Neighborhood

I think I talk too much
I need to listen, baby
I need to listen, baby
I need to listen good
I think I try too hard
How I look, what I do, what I'm sayin', ah
I spend too much time explainin' myself
I hope there's some time to change it

Self-explanatory. As is:

I think I worry a lot
I need to take it easy
I got this anxious feeling
But it goes away for a minute
When I'm with you breathing

Fallingforyou-The 1975

Self love

Superpower-Beyoncé

When the palm of my two hands hold each other
That feels different
From when your hands are in mine
That's just the way it is

Self love

Let Go-Ark Patrol and Veronika Redd

…letting go 🙂

Butterfly-UMI

Wish I was just like you, maybe then you'll take me high
Away from it all again
Away from my troubles and my sins
Away from the fears inside
Away from the tears I try to hide away

And

'Cause I just want to make you smile, but
I know that'll take a while 'cause I'm
I'm tryin' to find myself
I just want to make you proud, but
I think that I'm runnin' out of time
To figure it out

By this song, I’m relaxed. My troubles have melted.

As I Am-H.E.R.

Tell me I'm the best, I am
I'll be feelin' like, yes, I am, I am
You know I'm the best, ah yeah 
You'd be a fool to not take me as I am

This playlist was developed when my husband and I were struggling in our marriage, much of the “love yourself” messages and the like were my way of defending myself from the inner turmoil those struggles created.

Be Alright-Kehlani

This is when I start singing.

There's always been those times when I needed a breather
When I might need a quick break from being the leader
'Cause I'm just human, you gotta feel that
We're all just here to learn
And everyday we are put up to bat
If you feeling down, no you ain't alone
And if you feeling all confused
No you are not on your own 
Don't stress
Yeah we're too blessed 

Come Thru-Jeremy Zucker

I’m singing this one, too

I'm trying to realize
It's alright to not be fine on your own

And

These last few weeks have been exhausting

Flea Market-Tierra Whack

Another one about acknowledging worth to a partner

Super Rich Kids-Frank Ocean & Earl Sweatshirt

This is when I pull the plug on the bath.

The song is about kids who have all the materials they want but really just need “real love.” I think about my childhood friend, Matt, who died when we were teenagers. His house wasn’t a penthouse like the one described, but it did allow us the same freedoms without supervision. The protagonist in the song dies in a drug-induced moment of foolishness, just like my beloved Matt.

Too many bowls of that green, no Lucky Charms
The maids come around too much
Parents ain't around enough
Too many joy rides in daddy's Jaguar
Too many white lies and white lines
Super rich kids with nothing but loose ends
Super rich kids with nothing but fake friends

Real love, ain't that something rare
I'm searching for a real love, talking 'bout real love

After that song…

I pull the plug on the tub. At this time I’m renewed enough to be able to love my kids the way they deserve. I indulged myself for almost an hour, either my husband picked up the slack or I put a tv show on if it’s not a school night. This song returns me to my purpose: loving. Other stressors that brought me to the bath aren’t relevant. It puts things in perspective.

There are more songs, all very intentional, on the playlist as I keep that energy going, putting on my pajamas and other nighttime routine activities.

Burnout Cure Fine Print

This burnout cure works by treating my thoughts and calming my physiology. Calming the body to heal the mind is in line with the polyvagal theory.

But if you’re overwhelmed consistently, find a way to do less. Self care should be done frequently, without abandon. Self care isn’t selfish. Running around anxious, frantic, irritable, with no sense of humor because you haven’t taken care of yourself is selfish. People shouldn’t have to deal with that version of you!

Give yourself an hour, give yourself a bath.