Yesterday, a friend and I were discussing depression. They spoke of how slowly they slid into decline, waking up to a place they didn’t realize they were headed. When friends reassured them that “everyone goes through a rough patch” it normalized the feelings and didn’t alert them to what they later found to be an emergency: “How can I know the difference between a rough patch and a pit?” “Why didn’t anyone say I should go to my psychologist?” “How can I know it’s happening sooner so I won’t get to that breaking point?”

We went back and forth for a moment, starting with their specific issue and leading into the abstract. What I came to was this:

Pits are Normal, too.

My initial inquiry was simple: could it be that the language your friends used inferred distinctions to you that weren’t present for them? Maybe “rough patch” for one is a kind way to refer to what another deems a pit of despair. Maybe we’ve determined a certain level of dissatisfaction as “okay” while seeing a deeper version as unacceptable.

Pits of despair are what happens when you hit a rough patch, firmly press your heels in it, and drag your body through the motions, excavating the soil along the way. When the alarms of sadness cannot be heard over your declarations that previous experiences were “worse,” invalidating your current circumstances, those alarms crank up the volume.

They might be unavoidable

As we explored further, my friend pointed out that they had been isolating themselves & were no longer partaking in activities they enjoyed. “Next time maybe I’ll know from that. Maybe that’s how I’ll prevent it from getting so bad in the future.”

I’m not so certain. To isolate yourself may be the first step in a downward spiral, or it can be a step in the right direction: going inward to consider if your actions are in alignment with your values, taking much needed rest for self care, or preparation for next steps. Maybe hobbies become mentally straining in times of overwhelm, and you’re listening to your body by slowing down.

We cannot make hard, steadfast rules to shield us from future struggles. Life is in a constant flux of change, as is the self as we strip away tools that no longer serve us.

You will be surprised.

What is the biggest challenge you will face in the next six months?

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The biggest challenge will always be a sideswipe. That’s what makes it big— we have not set the necessary precautions to lighten the blow.

Two weeks ago, I thought that my fitness regimen and early wake up habits were among the tasks that crank my day full of dopamine and sustained my mental health. Yet days prior to my injury, I still found myself losing my temper with my family. It was after I was forced to stop the habits I considered to be a source of joy that I awoke to the possibility of finding a different way that works.

Nine months ago, I could not have told you my biggest challenge in six months would be my closest friend of six years “soft ghosting” me unprovoked, our multiple conversations any given week fading to a distant memory, leading to complete silence. When my old gym was both my community and my respite, you could not have convinced me that six months later, it would be the source of my greatest challenge. In the summer of 2021, after losing thirty pounds, I had not a single clue that six months later I’d be looking for an answer that I’d later find to be “chronic illness.” That’s the way things go.

You can bring awareness

Maybe a specific act won’t be the clue. Avoiding texts or not pulling out your sewing machine are too ambiguous to be alarming. There are too many variables involved. What I think is more valuable is check ins. Recently, my old app blocker paid app was repeatedly on the fritz. I thought if I uninstalled & reinstalled maybe I could make it work.

It didn’t. I ended up downloading a similar paid app blocker, Jomo, though I have another 6 months before my subscription ends with my last one. (The peace of mind I receive from an app blocker is invaluable.) Jomo has several different features that my previous app didn’t, but most notable is the opportunity to go back and rate how you felt after using a certain app. That awareness piece is so pivotal–it was the ticket to overhauling my relationship with food so I could lose thirty pounds with Noom four years ago.

I’ve gotten back into the habit of using my Panda planner, too. This is a yearslong favorite tool of mine, because of the way it allows me to bring attention and intention to my daily life without the pressure of missed days or weeks from a dated planner. I’m more often filling in how I used my time than how I plan to use my time, but it helps me bring awareness to what I do manage to complete, while my mind is always wrapped up in what I haven’t.

Check in

These two tools are reflective surfaces. Have I been spending a lot of time in bed as I heal? Yes. That could be a bad sign, but it’s not–I’m healing. I think the best way to avoid turning a rough patch into a hole six feet under is to notice. Notice if you’ve been too wrapped up in the news and it’s making you feel out of sorts. Take note that you feel sluggish and uncomfortable after you eat fried mozzarella sticks. Pay attention when you’re feeling overwhelmed but you’re still trying to take on more. Listen to yourself and your body. If you don’t, it gets louder.

Sometimes louder is a pinched nerve, that leads to numb fingers, tennis elbow and wrist tendonitis.

Please, listen sooner than that.